FEAR.....

Fear.  That deep down feeling of terror that things are somehow NOT going to be OK and that it's all over.  I was strolling down memory lane last night realizing all the stuff I'd been through in the last three years--a lot of it I can't share here but you can just take my word for it--it's been one hell of a ride.  An acronym I learned for FEAR--False or Future  Events Appearing Real has helped a lot to bring me back to this planet vs way out there in Scared As Hell Land.  Some of the stuff was real as it gets, and there's no debating that, but the rest of the stuff I spun way out there into tomorrow-land, never actually happened. But the feelings were there--- so I got scared as hell anyway.  Feelings aren't facts (and I know that intellectually) but in my head, good luck selling that idea when I'm really afraid.

I've decided that FEAR is just my default setting.  I'm human and I'm going to get scared, regardless.  It's what I do with that fear that's important.  Denial is one option but that just doesn't work for me--my "Deniar" must be broken or functioning at such a low level that I just don't get any relief from using it.  Punt that.  So that usually sends me to my time worn tools of journaling, talking with someone else who isn't involved so they can point out reality when I can't see it for the trees, and always, prayer.  In fact, prayer is the first one I use and not just the foxhole kind either.  I like to stay close to God just in case I need Him (which is everyday, all day) --that way He remembers me and I don't have to re-introduce myself.  Beyond that, being patient and giving time, time, is helpful, but only if you are patient, and I'm not, so that's another steep hill for me to climb as well. 

Sometimes just sitting down and making a list of all of the stuff God's already gotten me through and reading it out loud to myself, will put things back into perspective.  By the time I finish reading the list out loud, I'm usually totally reassured that God's got all of it and I can quit trying to do His job-- and just LET HIM DO IT.
Today I know, there is a God and it's NOT me.

P. S. There is another acronym for FEAR:      F***  Everything  And  Run -----just in case you'd rather.