Gray

Fear is such a weird emotion.  All it is, is a signal, but I hate the feeling it produces for me.  Sometimes it makes me want to run, other times it makes me want to dive under the covers and never, ever come back out.  Sometimes I default into to anger because I feel so vulnerable.  There.  I said it.  The v-word.  When I feel vulnerable, I'm afraid someone's going to make me do something I don't want to do. I think that's what happened to a lot of us in childhood.  Growing up, it didn't much matter whether you wanted to do something or not--you didn't get a vote.  You were a kid and that was that.  You just did what you were told to do.

Today, feeling vulnerable is only OK for me if I remind myself that today I'm a grown up, and I CAN take care of myself.  I can speak up for what I want or need, I can have boundaries around what works for me and what doesn't, and then I can leave the results up to God.  I can gather more information in areas where I am not well versed, I can look at my options because believe it or not, I always have them.  As a kid, I never knew I had any options.  I was raised in a family with some very toxic black and white thinking, and as a result, that's all I ever knew, until I learned differently.  It's not their fault.  They couldn't teach me something they didn't know.

Holy Cow....no wonder I'm crazy about the color gray.  It's a combo of  black and white and opens up a world of options in thought, design, in mood.  I can slide up and down that gradient adjusting myself to what feels safest, most comfortable, most pleasant.  I'm not stuck.  I don't have to settle for black or white.  Ain't life grand.