I hate this

My sister and I have just made yet another heart wrenching decision and I have a call into my brother for his feedback.  I doubt he will disagree with us--- I'd just like for him to have the opportunity to weigh in also.  I've recounted here mom's disastrous trips to church with my brother, and with a friend about mom's same age and then their trips to the Country Club for lunch--- which mom adores.  Yep....you know where I'm going here, don't you?  Yes, we could hire someone to physically take mom--that's not the issue.  The issue is, mom's continued falling--no one can prevent that--not even me, and I tried like hell.  When she fell with me, it happened so fast I couldn't do anything... she went down like a sack of wet cement.  Even in a wheelchair, mom still has to get in and out of a car, and that seems to be the hardest part.  Plus, my sister and I also know, once mom gets into a wheel chair--she's not coming out. That will be it. 

The worst part is, having to pull the plug on something mom loves, but is unsafe to continue any longer.  I feel like a black DOG doing this to her, but it's either this, or she breaks a hip at church or at lunch.  Hell....she may break her hip anyway, but the thought of doing it out somewhere, vs at home where help is instantaneous, just seems prudent and wise.  And mean as hell.  I hate this.  And so does my sister.  And, I'm quite sure my brother does, too.  Since he's in Ft. Worth at a seminar and will be here with her tonight, I guess we can all play the heavy together. It helps to share the responsibility. It lightens to load.

I know this may sound horrible but I'm going to admit it here anyway since God already knows how I feel --we've discussed this at length, and we talk about it daily in my prayers.  I ask Him all the time to please take mom sooner rather than later, if it's His will.  I only want His will--since it's perfect--but I am also just selfish enough to want to stop hurting, for me.  There.  I said it.  And I hope it doesn't shock anyone but if it does, it does. I'm at a place in my life where if someone doesn't agree with me, that's OK.  I don't care anymore about anybody else's opinion, except God's.
That's just how I see it.