Friday

Geeze....I feel like there's an elephant in the room, because there definitely is, and no one wants to acknowledge it. It's an elephant not of my making, and one that has lived a l-o-n-g elephant life in my family of origin, that everyone walks around and pretends isn't there or that they do not see--and it's a BIG ELEPHANT. In the 1950's and in some families, this is what families did--"they pretended". A lot. It "wasn't nice" to point out a large gray elephant even if it was pooping all over you, everyone around you, and "poop" was getting tracked all over everywhere. We all just bit the bullet and shut up. It wasn't "nice" to get angry or point out the truth because nobody wanted to face the truth. Fantasyland was just easier--for the elephant--and that was one powerful elephant. Make no mistake about it.

Well, welcome to 2010 because I don't do that anymore and haven't for quite some time. Ditto my sister. I have learned to say what I need to say as long as I say it in an acceptable manner which for me means, I have to script it out on paper first, if it's really emotionally loaded and honey, this one is. It also means I don't capitulate at the first signs of trouble--anger, raised voices, hot tempers. That's my signal to call a time out for myself ( and possibly others.) Then, I am ready to finish the conversation.
I can now sit in my discomfort and know that I can take care of myself--I have tools I used not to have. I know what to do-- where as before, I was just flat terrified, and acted straight out of that fear, for my very survival--or at least that's how it felt.
Today, I don't think there's a conversation I can think of, that having, will actually kill me. Some are possibly going to hurt like the devil but I can survive that. I have before and I will again. Speaking and actually giving voice to what I think, feel, and need, is so freeing. Even if it doesn't go my way, I have still honored myself by nuttin' up, and saying what I want. And if it doesn't go my way, I asked. Before, it was too risky to stand up and take care of myself. Somebody might get mad or not like me. And then what would happen?? OMG.
Today?? It's too risky not to.