Surprise....another layer peeled back

Just about the time I think I know myself fairly well, I get a curve ball I didn't see coming or that reveals another layer of myself, to me. While in the shower, where I do my best thinking, I realized several things about yesterday's jury duty. The first was, lump a bunch of Texans together for an entire day from all walks of life, and by the end of the day, some of us will have made new friends. People we would not otherwise have spoken to are now people we yuck it up with, to pass the time, or have heartfelt discussions with. I watched a youngish black man sitting on one of the benches outside the court room having a really searching conversation with a slightly older white lady about what reasonable doubt was for him. Or so he thought. And the responsibility of listening to the facts of a case, and deciding the fate of someone else, with his one vote was ultra real for him.
Secondly, it was clear he was frightened of the responsibility and fully aware of the job involved, and that's where I realized I was, as well. Sure we all read about murders in the paper everyday and even see reports of them on TV. We either turn off the TV or skip over the Metro section when we've had enough or just can't read them anymore. Hopefully, we have no other personal experience with murder. But to actually sit 15 feet from someone who is on trial for murder, and see their very humanness, was unnerving for me. Since there were so many of us, some of us had to actually sit in the Jury box, when the bench spaces ran out. I was one of them and I realized very quickly that the feeling I was having that just felt awful, was FEAR. I.... was..... scared.... to.... death. And I couldn't turn off the TV or throw away the newspaper. This was just in my face and this guy's future was dependent on 12 people and his magician/Oscar nominated defense attorney's performance. Those 12 people and their willingness to listen, were what stood between possible probation and a cell door clanging shut on him for from 5 years to life. Scary stuff. You can't help but think about how he must feel and what if you were him.

And what if he'd been my son??? He clearly is some one's son --murder or otherwise. There was no one in the courtroom with him yesterday other than his attorneys, but is anyone there today? IF I was his mom, could I watch the trial? Could I be there for him in the courtroom or would I have to wait outside, to keep from losing it? I don't know the answers to any of that and I hope and pray I never have to find out. Too scary.