All Hail the Queen

I'm limping, emotionally, but I'm back.  And thank you to all of you for your kind thoughts and words for the Wigman.  He was just the best and that's all there is to it.  Sis and I are forging a new relationship based on on our shared girlness (ok...maybe old ladyness) and we are supporting each other as best we know how.  This is uncharted turf and since we haven't been here before, we are just taking it a little at a time.

Monday night, after we got home from the Vet, I think I mentioned earlier I'd seen her sniffing Wig's red fleece blanket on the floor in the Utility room.  When I saw her, I told her "he's gone" and it was almost like she understood, or so I thought.  Later, I went looking for her and she was in her dog bed, all alone, with her two front paws together and her head down.  Damn...she looked like she was praying so I decided we needed a little "girl talk" and togetherness.  I figured we could comfort each other so I crawled across the empty dog bed of Wig's, and proceeded to half lie down beside her, and that's when I figured it out.  That bad girl wasn't praying or even sad--she was hiding the twisty from a loaf of bread, between her paws, and didn't want me to take it away from her!!  When I finally wrestled it away from her, she screech yipped at me saying "You bit**...........I'd bite you if I didn't already know you'd kill me".  Yep.  That's Sister all right, which just goes to show ya, there's a good laugh in just about everything.  That witch.

Today I'm closed

Today I am off on Bereavement leave and will return in a day or so or whenever I get myself out of neutral.

Goodbye, Wigman

 Wig left the planet like the elderly gentleman he was....with barely a whimper.  He was surrounded by Brian & Fred, with me holding him wrapped in his red fleece for that extra touch--his own smell and Sister's.  To say that we are all basket cases is fair but we explode in bouts of laughter also.  It's too soon to tell about how Sis is going to react though we did just see her in the Utility Room, sniffing Wig's red blanket.  Ouch. 

Benji knows Wiggins is gone but didn't answer his phone just now.  I left him a voice mail about how Wig went out like the perfect man dog he always was--with dignity and grace.  We should all be so lucky.  And so loved.

Love HURTS

My denial ability ranks right up there with the best of them but there's one thing I can no longer deny.  It's time for Wigman, Wiggins Piggins Po, Mr. Pigglesworth, to catch the Dogtown Train and he has a ticket today on the 5:45pm train.  You all know I've been struggling with this as have my sons, and Fred, but it's just time and maybe even past time.  It occurred to me today around lunchtime that perhaps all this whining and moaning was really a "Hey, May....I'm not so happy here and could you give me a lift to the train Depo" vs just old man dog stuff.  Over the last few weeks and months, he's become more and more my shadow but today is different....he's in the dog bed in the den and Sis is with him, as if they are saying goodbye.  She is going to mourn like crazy without him, since she doesn't know life any other way.  And frankly, after sixteen and a half years with him, I don't know how to do life without him.  But I will, though there will definitely be an enormous gaping hole in my life where his little brown suit used to be, and a hole in my heart you could fly a jet through.

The toughest part about this for me is, Wiggles has gotten me through so much crap and knows all my secrets, and hasn't blabbed a single one.  He's Mr. Trustworthy.  Mr. Supportive.  Mr. Love Dog.  And he knows I love him more than chocolate ---even more than sugar--because I've told him.  I've already cried three times today and know I have lots more in there to go but I also have a firm resolve that it's the right thing, especially after my coffee break with AB, Bruce's cousin.  There's just nothing in this world any better than having your feelings validated by someone who really gets it, and cries along with you in Starbucks.  

So with that, I'll close and spend what time I have left with my extraordinary man-dog I have had the privilege to know and love, for the past sixteen years.  Man, I'm gonna miss him....

Ahhhh, winter

I just threw several more tree branch logs on the fire in the den and now it's really back in business.  To me, that's the ultimate in recycling--burning your own tree limbs.  They are the perfect size for either the fireplace or fire pit--another big bonus--and easy to toss on for pyro's like me.  Ahhh, the crackle of a fire and smell of wood smoke.  Heeeeaven.

It occurred to me this morning that Wig has taught Sister to talk.  She's always been a howl talker-- but only then.   Now she talks a lot, and frankly, I don't like it.  It's a whiny, girly, drama filled tone that's heavy on the poor me....... That "I neeeeeed something" tone, that's like finger nails on a black board sometimes.  Wig has always talked man-talk.  Short, sweet, deliberate, and to the point, and usually did it, or used to, with all of his handsomeness right there in your face.  Ears pricked up, chest out, knowing he was irresistible and that merely to ask, was to receive.  True, that.
  Sis is more assertive, as only a busty, chunky German fraulein would be.  Throw in a big old helping of manipulation, and that's Sis.  I love Wig's directness--no games, no drama--just give him what he wants and he's fine.  If he wants in on the driveway side, he barks.  By now, I thought Sis would have learned this from him, but I've only heard her do it once, when he wasn't with her.  Instead, she just stands around waiting until she either gets distracted and leaves to go hunt, or you come and notice she's waiting.  Sis is very direct around food, but has a girly stealth and sneakiness that I just don't pick up on in Wig.  Maybe his stealth is just too old to make an appearance any more. 

It's weird, too.  The more I see him winding down, the more I see her neediness ramping up.  It's like she knows what's coming and just feels anxious and needs reassurance that everything will be OK, even when he's gone.  Part of her seems to want to be Queen and ascend his throne, and the other part just wants him to hang around, maintain the status quo, and just let her do her thang.

Bad news, Sis.  Change is inevitable

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

Brene Brown: The power of vulnerability | Video on TED.com

If you haven't heard this, it's the best 20 minutes you'll spend this year.  Give it a listen and tell me what you think.  She's hilarious and extremely insightful.  Hope you enjoy.  I did!

The Right way to start 2011

I am about to have a cow.  One of Fred's friends just posted pictures of his smoker loaded with three different kinds of ribs he's smoking, cheese he's already smoked for a spread that that will kill you, and his turkey is going on at noon.  Whaaaat?  All that cooking going on and I'm not there to apprentice it?  I can hardly stand myself.  This guy is the BBQ king and was pictured in the paper recently after a BBQ crawl  through Dallas and the surrounding area, with his fellow critiquers.  I know he's done several, and they usually go to at least 5-7 BBQ joints.  To look at him, you'd never know he's a fabulous cook.  He's just NOT a big old Bubba type.  He's in advertising and very artsy, as is his wife, who is a food stylist.  And did I mention he's funny?  He's hilarious.

I think the thing that impresses me the  most is that he actually cooks himself.  Anybody can armchair quarterback and if his jalapeno cheese spread is any indication of what his ribs might be like, or even his turkey, sign me up. Now that's the way to start 2011.