Brain drain

Whoa....now that the dust has settled on Brian's accident, and we are at the three month mark, my body is finally beginning to feel what went on.  Earlier, it was pure mom / nurse/ emergency mode fueled by pure adrenalin.  Now?  I wake up tired.  There is a h-u-g-e disconnect in my brain and my body.  I'm having "word retrieval" issues...sometimes I can tell you what letter the word starts with--just not the damn word.  Menopause?  Well, OK maybe some of that, but I think it's really just more like total over-load.
I was asked yesterday "if I was all rested up after Brian"?  Huh? Whaaaaat?
I've been realizing over the past several weeks that in order to do what I had to do, my feelings had to take a back burner seat--in another county.  Had I allowed my fear, anxiety, or worries to be present, I would not have had the energy to function.  It's different than denial--denial is when you just don't face what's in front of you and you pretend everything is ducky.  I was way too fully aware of what was going on--and things were clearly NOT ducky---I just had to deal with it.  This was more like a "postponed processing" and I was fully aware that was what I was doing.  It was a choice.  I could either fall apart or function.

I'm also aware of the strength other people's prayers gave me--I could literally FEEL them.  I knew the energy I was receiving sure as heck wasn't mine--it was "other worldly".  And day after day, as Brian had miracle after miracle, I began to relax into this spiritual power.  AND IT WAS BIG.  AND IT STILL IS.  I look back at this experience as one of the most defining moments of my life.  The life lessons, the spiritual gifts and miracles (and there were plenty), the "angel people" who came into our lives.  Yeow.  It gives me the chills just reflecting back and I don't want to speed past any of it.  I want to remember all of it.

I've made a deal with myself that for the next three months, I'm going to take care of myself--whatever that looks like.  To some, that will sound selfish and "they" may not like it.  OK.  Don't like it.  But I'm going to do it anyway.  I'm going to take this time to reflect back, write, re-read my journals, and just process.  This was too big an event to just rush through.  For me, it was life altering.
And that's just how I see it.....