Growing up

I think it's finally happened or is happening. I'm getting it. Instead of dwelling on things that didn't turn out my way or the way I think they should have, I can let it go and move on. I can forgive and not forget--because that's where the lesson is in the not forgetting part. If I forget, I'm liable to make the same mistake again. I can forgive and not have to "judge" someone else, although I must admit, that's one I still have to work on daily. I don't have to like something to accept it--but the acceptance of things just the way they are is where my freedom lies.

I don't want to drag around old baggage, keeping score and a tally of who done me wrong. Geeze, that takes a lot of energy, never feels good, and nothing positive ever results from it. That's just too heavy a load for this girl.

Where I used to get confused is not in the forgiving part, but the part where people want you to be OK with behavior (theirs) that for me, is unacceptable. A lot of times, the expectation is, "well, yeah...it was wrong but that's just who I am and that's just how I roll". My perspective: ""yeah..it was wrong all right and if that's who you are and how you roll, I'm going to believe you, and adios." I just don't want to be around people who play like that and if that's your game, you won't be seeing me. Looking back over old relationships, I now see how it was truly expected by some to just accept that's who they were, and that I was the bad guy if I didn't "understand" those were the rules. Their rules. And horror of horrors....if I walked away and said "see ya...that doesn't work for me", I was branded "pariah, maverick, difficult" etc.

The good news: today being a maverick is my most favorite thing about myself. Hell....I've always been one and today I'm proud of that fact. I didn't say I've always been graceful about it--hardly--but I no longer "pretend" something is OK with me, when it's not. I don't throw a major fit --I just "disappear" quietly, and don't say anything I'll have to apologize for later. And this goes for family, too. Sometimes it's just easier to love someone at a distance. Being a grown up is all about making choices for myself. What works--what doesn't.

What freedom.