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Tuesday, March 23, 2010

What I know today...

I had a revelation the other day listening to a song on the radio and it had to do with growing older. In specific, I was thinking about my relationship with my mom and how it's changed over the years as I've gotten older. Gone are the days when we used to really go at it, and she's lost the power to make me madder than a snake. We both used to have to win at any cost and we threw out the bodies as we went--mine or hers. Sometimes it was a draw--- but not very often. Somebody usually was the clear winner and somebody else got thrown to the lions. The other day I realized she's no longer this force field in my life that can twist me up like a pipe cleaner or punch my buttons from half a world away. She's just this little 5'2" person who gave birth to me 56 years ago and who has done, and continues to do, the very best she can.

Does her best or has her best sucked at times, especially way back in the past? Undoubtedly. Was it intentional? I don't think so. Did it hurt me? Absolutely. Has it taught me anything? You betcha. The other day listening to that song, I realized that something very real has changed in my life. I now enjoy a richness that wasn't previously there. It's as if I used to feel in black and white, and now I feel in Technicolor and HD. I feel more deeply and it's sweeter than I ever remember feeling before. Funny things are funnier and I laugh harder over them today. Babies smell better than ever before and colors are more beautiful because now I've slowed down long enough to actually notice them. There is a new softness to me that was not there before. It's as if I love harder now with a new strength and depth.
I don't spend time worrying about the little stuff anymore and creating crises because 1) little stuff is just that--little stuff 2) crises seem to happen without me helping them along or dumping gasoline on them and then striking a match. Whatever I'm pissed about, will I even remember it in 5-10 years? And if not, how important could it possibly be? Answer? It's not, so why sweat it. I'd rather do something else. Something fun. Something that makes me laugh. Hard.
If this is what it means to get older, bring it on. I don't mind the sags, the bags, or the cellulite, if this is the trade off. This beats the heck out of being 25 and clueless.

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