Thank heavens feelings don't last forever because I've been dragging around for the last ten days feeling, sad, anxious, and downright afraid. And afraid of what, I'm not quite sure. Afraid I won't like what ultimately happens? Afraid I won't get what I want? Afraid of my feelings is probably more accurate. I think most of this is a reaction to mom's stuff being given out, and the rest sold. Consciously and subconsciously, it's like the end of era and like mom is already gone. But she's not.
Whether I like it or not, it's just change and a big one, at that. Mom is no longer mom, and visiting her is something I do probably more for myself, than for her. I say that simply because I can't tell if she really enjoys it or not, or if she'd just rather be watching TV. I'm not trying to be all "poor me" here...just factual--and my sister and my niece both agree-- not one of us gets the feeling mom is even here any more, other than in her body. If you call, she wants to get off the phone, if you visit, she's pretty "flat", and she never calls any of us any more (which is actually a good thing--no gripe there--just a total change.) Mom used to wield a pretty big stick. Now she's just like a deflated, down pillow--you can fluff it all you want but it's just not going to pouf like it used to. The pouf is just g-o-n-e.
I used to read occasional articles way back when on what it was like to have an aging parent. I thought I understood. I didn't. I do now.
I'm ready for these feelings to float back out to sea...this sucks.
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